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Local Attorneys Tear Hole In The Fabric Of Space And Time

September 6, 2019

Director of Department of Corrections Stephen Strange Pictured Calculating An Inmate's Sentence

 

 

Virginia Beach, VA — In what is the saddest story to come out of Virginia in decades, local attorneys Westendorf & Khalaf have torn the fabric of time and space by sending the Department of Corrections an inquiry about their client’s prison time calculation. As a result, nearly half of the 8.5 million residents of Virginia were sucked into a wormhole and are not expected to reemerge for several years.

 

"They simply asked too many questions," world renowned astrophysicist  Neil Degrasse Tyson said. "Why would they not accept that 12 months is longer than 1 year? Why did they question the simple calculation of .8696 multiplied by 365.25 to determine the passage of a year? Who can second-guess DOC?  Who can begin to grasp the vastness of their truth? Who can predict what they will do? Who can trace their logic? The ways of DOC are inscrutable to mortal man.”

 

Despite the limitations of their puny human faculties, Westendorf & Khalaf continue to endanger lives in their ignorant pursuit for answers. Just this week alone, they questioned why DOC refuses to publish simple time calculation information on their website, why prisoners actually serve 86.96% of their sentences instead of the widely cited 85%, and why a year spent in a Norfolk jail was applied to a Virginia Beach sentence. "DOC is most mysterious.  Incomprehensible. They are not impressed with tidy mathematical formulas,” explained Virginia governor Ralph Northam. "As though we could reduce the wisdom of DOC to paper and say we understand…as though DOC could be bound by the limits of our intelligence.”

 

The effort to stop Westendorf & Khalaf has intensified as more citizens are sucked into the glowing time vortex in the sky. The entrance to Lynnhaven Mall is now decorated with the carcasses of bloodied animals with their throats slashed as an offering to DOC. In a $4 million renovation blitz, Virginia Beach’s water towers have been festooned with 25 foot letters spelling out "DOC IS GREATER THAN MAN AND KNOWS EVERYTHING." 

 

For now Virginia has turned to desperate measures. Everything has been shut down, and celebrated musician Pharrell Williams has been summoned back to his home state of Virginia to put on a music festival to be called "Shut Up Westendorf & Khalaf!" "This is an emergency," said Williams. "I like to unite people with my music, but this time it will be different. This entire festival is about getting Westendorf & Khalaf to stop asking questions. All of the music, clothing, and food will only depict or reflect in some essential way that DOC shall never be questioned."

 

Residents of Virginia are well aware that their fealty to DOC may seem strange to outsiders, and they are eager to explain. “Somehow Westendorf & Khalaf feel they deserve to know and comprehend to the same degree DOC knows and comprehends,” lifelong Virginia resident Matt Cramer said.  “As though DOC owes us an explanation for their actions. For all eternity, we shall bow before DOC. Their love, their patience, their holiness, their wisdom will forever leave us in a state of astonished wonder. Go now. Go and submit to the will of DOC.”

 

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