Virginia Beach, VA – After receiving awards proclaiming him a "Super Lawyer," "CoVa Biz 2020 Top Lawyer," and "Top 40 Under 40," local attorney Bassel Khalaf has declared himself "Supreme Lawyer King Extreme Deluxe" and announced the reopening of the courts as the first day of a new calendar year called "Year 37 After Birth Of Khalaf."
"The lawyer awards have spoken," Khalaf said. "By recognizing me as the king of kings among attorneys, I have no choice but to humbly assume the wheel of the criminal justice system and steer us all to a glorious future." Dressed in full regalia displaying his lawyer awards and flanked by members of his elite Super Lawyer Guard, Khalaf told his subjects, "Let all the peoples of my lands know this: The age of tyranny, corruption, and ignorance in our court system is over. The great cleansing fire is upon us."
While most local attorneys have already sworn loyalty to the new Khalaf regime, some have expressed reservations. "I mean these lawyers awards are silly. These are for-profit companies that have never seen any lawyers in court. They're tacky and highly deceptive," said local public defender Michael Castillon. Shortly thereafter, a burlap bag was thrown over his head and he was sent to "re-education camp." To squelch any further rebellion, Khalaf ordered the leaders of the local bar association to be publicly fed to his pet tigers and their heads displayed on iron pikes in front of the Virginia Beach courthouse.
Despite these early signs of repressive behavior, Khalaf promised a new and prosperous era stating, "While I have been reluctantly forced to take absolute power, I do so only in the interest of all lawyers without awards who are too simple to be trusted to fend for themselves. Rest assured that I am but a benevolent father protecting my flock. Together we shall heal our great legal system, and the blood of any infidel attorneys will run like a raging river through the streets. Now how about a Denver omelette at Egg Bistro?"