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5 Beloved Disney Characters Exposed for Committing Sick Crimes.

1. Commonwealth v. Tinker Bell

 

Charge:  Solicitation to Commit Murder

 

 

The Evidence:  Everyone’s favorite pixie gets whipped into a jealous rage when she sees Wendy cozying up to her man Peter Pan. Does she try to talk it out or post passive aggressive Facebook posts like a normal person? Nah, Tink’s solution is to straight up cap a bitch. She concocts the lie that Peter has ordered Wendy to be shot and passes it along to his gang called the Lost Boys. The thugs obediently rush out with clubs and guns with the intent to kill her.

 

The Verdict:  Guilty as charged.  To be convicted of solicitation, the prosecution must prove that Tink persuaded another to commit murder. The evidence doesn’t get much clearer than this.  Rot in prison you remorseless fairy psycho. 

 

2. Commonwealth v. Mike Wazowski

 

Charges: Breaking and Entering, Assault

 

 

The Evidence: Mike is a literal monster who creeps into children’s bedrooms at night in order to terrorize them into screaming.  To make matters even more disturbing, he is a serial offender who consorts with other offenders who keep a board tallying who's traumatized the most children.

 

The Verdict: Guilty of both charges.  Breaking and entering in this case requires proof of an entering without permission coupled with the intent to commit an assault. Contrary to common belief, assault does not require actual physical contact. Assault is defined as committing an overt act intending to place the victim in fear of physical harm. There can be little question that leaping out at half-asleep children fits the bill.  Moreover, Mike would likely receive an enhanced punishment at his sentencing hearing based on the countless powerful victim impact statements documenting the deep psychological suffering of his victims.

 

 

3. Commonwealth v. Woody

 

Charge: Attempted Murder

 

 

The Evidence:  Woody leads an idyllic life as Andy's favorite and de facto leader of the toys.  That is until a new and cooler toy named Buzz arrives.  Enraged by his status being challenged, Woody flies into a homicidal rage and devises a plot to eliminate his rival.  With cold calculation, he drives a remote controlled car into an unsuspecting Buzz leading to a sequence of events sending Buzz toppling out of a window.  

 

The Verdict:  Guilty as charged.  An attempt in criminal law is an unfinished crime.  In this case, the prosecution must prove (1) Woody's intent to murder Buzz; and (2) a direct act done towards its commission.  There is little doubt that driving a car into Buzz qualifies as a direct act so the only question is Woody's intent.  Woody would likely claim that he merely intended to knock Buzz behind a desk rather than to kill him.  Sorry you sick sociopathic cowboy, but that defense isn't going to fly.  The jury will receive an instruction that people"intend the natural and probable consequences of their actions" as well as an instruction that malice may be presumed from the use of a deadly weapon (in this case a speeding car). 

 

4. Commonwealth v. King Triton

 

Charge: Felony Destruction of Property, Reckless Handling of a Firearm

 

The Evidence:  When King Triton discovers that his youngest daughter Ariel saved a human from drowning, he absolutely loses his shit.  Ariel tries to explain that the human would have died but for her intervention, but Triton explodes into a racist tirade in which he bellows that "they're all the same. spineless, savages." Fueled by roid rage (he didn't get that physique lifting underwater), he proceeds to use a magical trident that is the merman equivalent to an AR-15 to shoot up her room destroying numerous priceless artifacts in the process.

 

The Verdict:  Guilty as charged. The destruction charge is elevated to a felony based on the value of the property destroyed. The weird statute of Prince Eric alone would be worth tens of thousands of dollars. Aside from criminal consequences, Child Protective Services would almost surely remove Ariel from the custody of her aggro hair-trigger tempered father. 

 

5. Commonwealth v. Beast

 

Charges: 1 Count of Abduction, 1 Count of Abduction with Intent to Defile

 

The Evidence:  It's hard to understand how civilized society has forgiven Beast.  We allow children to play with stuffed animals and dolls bearing his likeness.  We might as well be tucking them in with Hannibal Lecter dolls.  Beast kidnaps Maurice and locks him in a basement dungeon for the terrible offense of seeking shelter from the cold. When Belle comes looking for her father, the Beast imprisons her with the intent to make her fall in love with him (it doesn't take much imagination to figure out what that means). He forces her to wear clothing of his choice and makes it clear that "it's not a request." Clearly traumatized and suffering from Stockholm syndrome, Belle begins to feel sympathy for her captor and eventually expresses love for him.

 

The Verdict: Guilty as charged. The prosecution would have a field day at sentencing. Born into a life of privilege, luxury, and endless educational opportunity, Beast never held a job or even bothered learning to read despite living in a castle containing the country's finest library.  As a clear high risk to reoffend, the judge would have no choice but to sentence him to prison until his fur is gray and haggard.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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