VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. — In a jarring report, the resort city of Virginia Beach has declined from the No. 1 safest metro city in the country to No. 187 (last place) according to Safewise, a company that specializes in home security reviews.
Police officials and criminologists were initially befuddled by the ten-fold upsurge in all crimes from DUI to murder coming against a backdrop of steady crime reductions nationally during the last 25 years. However, the catalyst for Virginia Beach’s descent into a hellscape reminiscent of alternate Biff-era Hill Valley has now conclusively been isolated to Virginia Beach criminal defense law firm Westendorf & Khalaf’s never ending pasta bowl promotion.
Starting in July 2019, Westendorf & Khalaf began offering all criminal defense clients unlimited access to 7 pastas, 6 sauces and 42 possible pasta bowl combinations along with unlimited salad & breadsticks. The resulting explosion in crime has been overwhelming and immediate. Most striking has been the sharp rise in crime among citizens with no prior criminal record. "For a long time, I was a loving and devoted family man," local attorney Matt Cramer said. "Now I find myself constantly thinking, hey, if I just cap a motherfucker, I can get as much five cheese marinara fettuccine as I can stuff in my mouth."
"I mean I don’t want to live in an urban dystopia," Virginia Beach mayor Bobby Dyer said, “but one thing that everyone in the city agrees on without regard to age, race, creed or sexual orientation, it's that roasted parmesan mushroom penne is delicious and irresistible.” Dyer then plunged a syringe of heroin into his arm and was quickly hauled away in handcuffs.
For now, authorities are flummoxed as to how they can stop the carnage. “The question really is, how can we stop people from committing crimes when they're promised coveted Italian meats, mozzarella, and fontina cheese?” said Virginia Beach Sheriff Jim Cervera. “And I can’t come up with anything. That shit is off the chain.”
When asked whether they plan to discontinue the promotion, Westendorf and Khalaf issued a statement explaining that making all of the pasta is “hard as shit” but vowed to push forward. “While we empathize with the many victims of the crime spree, this is a necessary correction to many decades of declining crime. We wouldn't be surprised if, a hundred years from now, the hallowed walls of this court bear an inscription inspired by this crisis stating “That which erodes equal justice serves to erode humanity and free pasta for all, fuckface.”