The Court of Appeals of Virginia issued a blistering reversal today in Denzel Lane v. Commonwealth, delivering one of the most scathing opinions you’ll ever read. At a probation violation hearing, the trial court openly admitted that it lacked statutory authority to impose an active jail sentence for a first technical violation. Undeterred by such trivialities as the law, the judge brazenly disregarded the statute, imposed a 60 day active sentence, and delivered a sanctimonious lecture chastising the legislature for daring to seek to limit his authority. The Court of Appeals, tasked with reviewing this would be judicial dictator, wasted no time delivering a smackdown. W&K has obtained the full trial transcripts for your enjoyment and education:
Judge Plowman: This is the matter of Commonwealth v. Denzel Lane, a most repugnant probationer who has offended the moral sensibilities of this community. Commonwealth, explain his nefarious deeds.
Prosecutor: Your Honor, Mr. Lane has defiled our fair lands with the devil’s weed: he smoked marijuana while on probation. Repeatedly. The scofflaw is unrepentant and mocks us by saying he did it with the intent to, quote, “feel chill.”
Judge Plowman: [Shaking his head gravely.] Outrageous! This vile degenerate has besmirched the morals of our community. And what punishment do the wise and noble legislators prescribe for this depravity?
Defense Counsel: Your Honor, this is a first technical violation under Code § 19.2-306.1, which, as enacted by the General Assembly, prohibits the imposition of an active jail sentence.
Judge Plowman: [Face contorting into an expression of deep disgust] Do you presume to educate ME? This law you cite vexes me greatly. I find it... stanky! Quite stanky indeed. A rank affront to my authority. I shall disregard it.
Defense Counsel: But, Your Honor, the legislature and the separation of powers...
Judge Plowman: [Leaning forward, eyes blazing with fury.] SILENCE! Stop squawkin before I separate your limbs from your torso! I hereby sentence this irredeemable marijuana puffer to 60 days behind bars. Take him away!
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