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The WORST trial defenses ever

People are indisputably stupid. One need look no further than the popularity of Twenty One Pilots or the anti-vaccine movement to prove this point. But as professional criminal defense man lawyers, we get a front row ticket to criminals who take stupidity to artistic heights. We are dazzled by the mouth breathing Michelangelo who steals and flips an ambulance after drinking a "shit ton." We can only stand in awe of the Retardo Montalban who robs a bank and writes his demand note on one of his starter checks. To these criminals, we salute you.

But there's a point where we draw the line. And that line is when potential clients try to enlist us to sell their inane defenses. If you think you've come up with a super sweet foolproof defense to your criminal charge that will outwit everyone in the courtroom, please don't call us. Behold the official W&K list of the DUMBEST defenses ever:

1. The "not my pants" defense

While there are different flavors of this defense, they all ultimately smell like l'essence de turd. Basically, a guy gets caught with coke, gun, etc. in his pocket and freaks -- "Ahhh...that's not mine. What had happened was, I borrowed my cousin's pants to go to the club and I didn't know he left hella coke in his pants."

First, who leaves perfectly good coke in their pants?

Second, are you fucking high? (probably).

Third, why are you wearing another dude's pants? That's really not a thing. I've literally never worn another dude's pants.

Do you really think this defense is going to work? We have a simple answer for you.

2. The "sovereign citizen" defense

Apparently a bunch of flat earth caliber douches got together and decided that they can't be convicted of crimes. Their theory is that the gub'ment doesn't have authority over them for any of, but not limited to, the following reasons:

I'm actually a corporation, God has ordained that I am my own country because it's my divine right, there was a pirate treaty back in the 19th century that says I can do horrible things to people without consequence, etc.

This defense might have some semblance of coolness if the sovereign citizens wore pirate regalia and said things like "shiver me timbers" when entering a plea, but they do nothing of the sort. Instead, they act like assholes, spout gibberish, and take out random liens against people.

Btw, this is a real thing. Sovereign citizens show up to court all the time and spout the aforementioned nonsense. They need to fuck off. If you're a sovereign citizen and come looking for representation at W&K:

3. The "it's a mystery man" defense

Believe it or not, this one is popular in DUI cases. The typical case goes something like this: drunk guy crashes and the police show up to the scene. He's behind the wheel thinking, "Oh shit, I'm drunk..." and the police start asking questions.

Then comes some, "Wellllll.... what had happened was...there was actually another guy driving, but that other guy ran away after the crash, and was never heard from again, and then...well...I decided to jump behind the wheel and sit there because, wellllll. Heh heh. Welll... HEH HEH."

This defense gargles scrote. Every time I get a client spouting this one and I ask for basic info on the mystery man it turns into, "Uhhh. You know...I think his name starts with a J. But I don't know his number or where he lives, but daaaamn dogg, you GOTTA believe me." Don't come to us with this hot garbage defense because this is what the prosecution will do to you in the courtroom:

4. The "Shaggy" defense

It was the year 2000. Americans were relieved that Y2K had not ended the world. A glittering new century of endless economic boom awaited us. Even better, Shaggy's "It Wasn't Me" was #1 on the Billboard Hot 100. In this masterpiece, one man asks his friend what to do, after his girlfriend has caught him, "butt naked banging on the bathroom floor," with another woman. His friend's advice is to deny everything, despite overwhelming and irrefutable evidence to the contrary, with the phrase "It wasn't me."

The "Shaggy defense" in a criminal case is the same concept. Caught you stealing on camera. "It wasn't me." Got your fingerprints on the gun. "It wasn't me." Got 10 eyewitnesses. "It wasn't me." You get the idea.

I'm a little torn on this one because sometimes the "Shaggy defense" is all you've got. If a client knows that he's got nothing but wants to plead not guilty and dance into court and put on a few hours of the "Shaggy," I'm game. If he actually expects to win and is going to write me a series of nasty letters when we inevitably lose, then it's going to be a hard pass.

On the other hand, if you're not a sovereign citizen who borrows other dude's pants while drunk driving with Shaggy blaring on the radio, and are looking for stellar representation, then you need look no further. Give us a call.

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