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Coach K Makes Us Vomit. Hire W&K Criminal Defense If You Agree.

January 18, 2019

Tomorrow, the goblin troll king will creep out from his putrid lair to lead his "brotherhood" in a top 5 matchup against the Virginia Cavaliers led by sexy beast Tony Bennett. We are proud to present the official W&K tale of the tape for the two coaches in the big game. 

 

Hair

 

Coach K is 71 years old and yet has jet black hair. Being an unashamed liar, he claims that his hair color is the result of "lucky genetics." Sorry homie, W&K wasn't born yesterday. That shit ain't nothin but shoe polish smeared over your old man dome. 

 

Tony's rocking that so fresh and so clean salt and pepper look that tells people "I'm old enough to know what I'm doing, but I'm young enough to actually do it."

 

Advantage: Tony

 

Academics

 

Coach K sold his soul to the one and done devil a long time ago. He handpicks the top McDonald's All-Americans every season and has them take classes at the local community college for one semester before they head off to the NBA. 

 

The last two NBA draft selections from UVA were Malcolm Brogdon and Devon Hall. Both were on campus for 5 years and both left with master's degrees. 

 

Advantage: Tony

 

Leadership Style

 

Coach K's personality is a devil's brew of ill-temper, profanity, arrogance, and dishonesty. When he's not berating referees, he's calling his players "mother-f......", or throwing sharpies at his assistants. 

 

Known for his unflappable demeanor, Tony Bennett has never received a single technical foul as the head coach of UVA. He bases his program on the five pillars of humility, passion, unity, servanthood, and thankfulness. 

 

Advantage: Tony 

 

Player Development

 

It's true that Duke has 23 former players on NBA rosters (second most of any college behind Kentucky). Sounds impressive right? Not so much when you dig deeper. A remarkable 19 of those players were high school McDonald's All-Americans. 2 of the remaining 4 (Marvin Bagley and Harry Giles) were ranked as the # 1 players in their class but did not play in the McDonald's game. The other two (Seth Curry and Miles Plumlee) are the brothers of NBA players. 13 of the 23 NBA players played a single season at Duke. 

 

In the last 6 years, Tony Bennett has produced 6 players who have played in the NBA (4 are currently on NBA rosters). None were McDonald's All-Americans.  All but 1 (Justin Anderson) played 4 full seasons. Two more players on the current roster (Deandre Hunter and Ty Jerome) are projected to be NBA players. Neither was close to being a McDonald's All-American. 

 

Advantage: Tony

 

Integrity

 

Duke has always been one of the top dogs for the last 30 years right? Pretty much true other than the 1994-1995 season. That team was a flaming dumpster inferno that finished 13-18 and missed the NCAA tournament by a mile. Coach K saw it coming mid-season, turned shook boy, and bailed on the squad claiming "exhaustion and back pain." The team finished 4-15 over the last 19 under some poor fall guy named Pete Gaudet. Duke conveniently expunged all of the losses from K's official career record. 

 

There can be no doubt that Tony took one on the chin when UVA suffered one of the biggest upset losses ever to #16 seed UMBC last season. Did he blame the absence of their best player Deandre Hunter who had broken his wrist in the ACC tourney? Did he blame it on the team's defensive stopper Isaiah Wilkins being completely crippled and hobbling around the floor? Nope. Instead, Tony was so gracious and classy in defeat that his post-game speech went viral. 

 

Advantage: Tony

 

 

 

Game Prediction: Hoos 74 - Dookies 65

 

 

 

 

 

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